Temperament Matters in Your Marriage
Are your disagreements and conflicts in marriage because of miscommunication or because of having different temperaments? It is important to know and have a general understanding of our own temperament as it can drastically impact how we deal with others.
This understanding about temperament is a new chapter that I have included in my book rewrite and is also one of the main reasons for the rewrite. Since I wrote the first addition this is also one of the first areas in a marriage that I discuss in my marriage counseling sessions.
While being different from our spouse isn’t a bad thing, conflict can arise if we don’t understand where the other person is coming from. Tim LaHaye says, “At the moment of our conception we all inherited a basic genetic temperament that contains both our strengths and or weaknesses.”
“At the moment of our conception we all inherited a basic genetic temperament that contains both our strengths and or weaknesses.”
What temperamental qualities in your spouse do you most value? How do they help your relationship sustain itself, grow, flourish? What are temperamental qualities in your spouse that require you to take responsibility for a certain aspect of your relationship?
Spouses with different temperaments will have different challenges. Understanding how your spouse typically reacts, as well as any patterns they may display (originating in childhood), can provide you with an understanding of who they are and help you plan ways to support them.
Temperament has many dimensions that greatly influence tastes, preferences, choices, and decision-making. Tim LaHaye in his book Spirit-controlled Temperament says, “Temperament is the unseen force underlying human action, a force that can destroy a normal and productive human being unless it is disciplined and directed. Temperament provides both our strengths and weaknesses; therefore, it is important to study what those are.
Temperament is the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affects all our behavior. These traits, which are passed on by our genes, are based on hereditary factors and arranged at the time of conception. I have heard many people (including myself) say, “I don’t want to become like my parents,” only to become like them. Why is that?
It is partly because of the temperament we are born with. There are six people who contribute through the genetic pool to makeup every new born baby. Obviously, we have the two parents, but also the four grandparents who are part of that as well. Some suggest that we may get more genes from our grandparents than our parents. That might explain why we look at our own children and wonder why they act so differently from us as parents.
Because marriage is such an important relationship we need talk about, understand, allow our temperament to line up with who we are in Christ. There is an on-line temperament test that I encourage you to take and begin to understand your own temperament type. In chapter 3 of my book, I go into detail of what each personality type is all about. Go to www.yourenneagramcoach.com for a free test.
