Friends are friends forever…
Those words are part of a song that Michael W. Smith wrote in 1983, Friends. Here are some of those lyrics that my wife at one time wanted sung at her funeral (I’m assuming she was planning on going to heaven before me?):
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
Cause the welcome will not end
In chapter six of my book (Before You Say I Don’t) I list 12 basic principles that can help develop healthy marriages, and this is number 12:
- Become best friends before you’re married and stay best friends while you’re married. Tim Keller says, “Your marriage will slowly die if your spouse senses that he or she is not the first priority in your life. Buy only if your spouse is not just your lover and financial partner but your best friend is it possible for your marriage be your most important and fulfilling relationship.” (The Meaning of Marriage)
Do you view your spouse as your friend? Are they your best friend? What thoughts come to your mind when you think of “friendship”? Are some of those thoughts: companionship, shared interest, honesty, vulnerability, fun, laughter, support or maybe commitment? A marriage, your marriage can and should have these aspects of friendship. That was and is God’s desire for marriage. God did not create marriage to make us miserable.
We know in Genesis that God created man’s “helper-companion”…a friend. Woman was created from man’s side to walk side by side as husband and wife. The blessing of friendship and tenderness in marriage honors this unchanging truth: A marriage’s loving companionship was designed by God to meet each other’s number one relationship need—friendship.
“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend” (Albert Camus).
Timothy Keller says, “There are two features of real friendship—constancy and transparency. Real friends always let you in, and they never let you down.” As Christ-followers, friendship is lived out and flourishes despite possible differences, temperaments, cultures, or personalities we face. Why? Because our friendship is based on Someone more powerful than all of those differences and that Someone is the God of grace, mercy, forgiveness in which the gospel of Jesus Christ restores not only us but our friends as well. Proverbs has a lot to say about friendship including that a friend is someone who loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17).
Our identity is changed at the core of our being because Christ lives in us and therefore God’s love becomes more foundational to who we are than anything we do or anything others do to us. God’s love changes how we love our friends, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).
The belief that your spouse should be capable of becoming your best friend is life changing when you address the question of compatibility. Remember Paul’s words in regards to Christ and His love for you and how a marriage is to be lived out, “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean…she will be holy and without fault” (Ephesians 5:25-27). Greater love has no one than a Christian husband and wife lay down their life for their friend. That is why putting friendship at the heart of your marriage relationship will lift it to a level that no other purpose for marriage can even approach.
If being your spouse’s friend is not part of your marriage relationship, then choose today to find a new best friend in them. It can begin now or maybe be restored with intentionality, sacrifice, perseverance, and especially prayer. A good first step is to find activities that you like to do together – and then make the time do it. Here are some suggestions to cultivate a stronger friendship with your spouse.
- Recognize that friendship, like marriage, takes a lot of work and time.
- Choose to spend time together rather than apart. This may mean sacrificing good things for a season.
- Explore the interests of your spouse and then ask to join them. Find out what they are passionate about.
- Nurture and care for one another. Be gentle with one another.
- Establish daily habits, especially praying together.
- Affirm one another every day. Be intentional in communicating the other’s strengths.
- Be transparent with one another and then do not judge.
- Make sure your marriage is Christ-centered.
When it comes to you and your spouse versus the world, you should always take the side of your spouse. Never side with the enemy. If you aren’t friends with your spouse, chances are that your marriage will struggle and ultimately falter. The physical aspects of a relationship can only take you so far. The importance of the role of friendship in marriage cannot be overstated. Think about what being a friend means. You tell each other everything; in fact, you can’t wait to talk to each other. You appreciate the little things about each other. You encourage and uplift each other. What an awesome friendship that is! But doesn’t that also sound like it could also be an incredible marriage?
In chapter one in my book I ask you to remember what first drew you to your spouse. If it was you became friends, then restore that. If you have never been your spouses best friend, then start today because “friends will be friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them.”
